


That One Time Jaskier Forgot His Keys

by yolkipalki



Series: The Semi-Charmed Life of Julian Pankratz, Assistant Manager at Suzy's Adult Novelty Boutique [2]
Category: The Witcher (TV), Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Retail, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Anxiety, Apartment, Apartment AU, Assistant Manager Jaskier, Cranky Jaskier, Emotionally Constipated Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia, Feral Jaskier | Dandelion, Geralt Heals All Wounds, I Don't Know Sounds Kinda Gay, Insomnia, Jaskier | Dandelion Has A Bad Day, Jaskier | Dandelion is a Mess, M/M, Misunderstandings, Muscle For Hire, NO BETA WE DIE LIKE ESKEL IS GOING TO IF HE DOESNT STOP PRYING, Not The Sex Shop AU This Fandom Deserves Or The One It Needs Right Now, OC | Badger, OC | Ziggi, Possible Serial Killer Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia, Roommates, Semi-Charmed, Sex Shop AU, Sex Toys, Shenanigans, Shot Glasses, Stitches, The Semi-Charmed Life Of Julian Pankratz Assistant Manager at Suzy's Adult Novelty Boutique, bad day, it's kinda gay, it's really gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-17 16:27:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29103297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yolkipalki/pseuds/yolkipalki
Summary: Jaskier has been having A Day. He hasn't eaten, he hasn't slept, he's terribly accident-prone - oh, and he forgot his keys, without which he cannot close the store at the end of his shift. So clearly his taciturn, surly roommate, who might be a serial killer and definitely hates Jaskier's guts, is the best person to call for help.Summary courtesy of the lovely Jadelyn
Relationships: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia & Jaskier | Dandelion, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion
Series: The Semi-Charmed Life of Julian Pankratz, Assistant Manager at Suzy's Adult Novelty Boutique [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2128668
Comments: 13
Kudos: 150





	That One Time Jaskier Forgot His Keys

The Semi-Charmed Life of Julian Pankratz, 

Assistant Manager at Suzy’s Adult Novelty Boutique 

That One Time Jaskier Forgot His Keys

By yolki palki (Lemon)

。。。oOo 。。。

The man on the roof was quiet, hands shoved in his pockets as he and his companion watched the street below. His dark hair was parted down the center and tucked behind his ears in a rather unflattering style. More striking than his terrible haircut was the scarring on his face. The entire right side of his face was shredded by a lattice of deep, jagged scars that pulled at the skin of his lip and ran through his eyebrow. Despite his rather intimidating appearance, he wore a gentle expression. He whistled as he rolled his shoulders, pulling out a hard pack of cigarettes. The gravel on the roof crunched beneath his feet. 

“You’re antsy and it’s fucking with my feng.” He said to the other man on the roof. 

“Hmm.” Geralt grumbled, his eyes still fixed on the foot traffic below them. 

“Couldn’t have anything to do with your new roommate. Could it?” The man glanced at him sideways, wearing a mischievous grin. “You haven’t even told us his name. When are you gonna introduce us anyway? Lambert is getting antsy.”

“Eskel.” Geralt walked to the edge of the roof, setting his duffle bag down and unzipping it.

“Alright, alright. Wanna keep it to yourself, then keep it to yourself,” Eskel laughed, lighting his cigarette. 

Geralt shot him a warning scowl. 

_ Fuck, it was going to be a long day.  _

。。。oOo 。。。

  
  


"Whoever keeps leaving their fucking hydroflask at the register, I'm going to fill it with shchi and beat you to death with it!" Jaskier shouted as he hoisted a box of shipment up to take it up to the back register to unbox it, smashing it directly into the side of a lube display. "Fuck." He hissed, tossing the box on the counter and looking at the red scrape on his forearm. 

If he was being perfectly honest he was less upset about that and more upset about the large tear in the sleeve of his sweater. 

"I volunteer as tribute because I want to make mom proud," Ziggi said, tossing their phone on the counter before making their way to the scattered bottles.

"Don't call me mom, and I am proud of you," Jaskier muttered, running his hands through his hair before grabbing a box cutter and slicing into the box.

Ziggi stifled a fake cry. "Me when mom is proud of me. Also, it's Moss, no one else here owns a boujee water bottle." 

Jaskier heard the door chime. Should be Badger, her shift started five minutes ago but she was always late because everyone was always late. For some stupid fucking reason people couldn’t show up for their shifts on time.

"Morning, fuckers." 

"It’s nighttime, Badger. You can tell because the moon is out." Ziggi said, their tone sprinkled with the slightest hint of sass. 

Badger snorted and leaned around Jaskier to set her coffee down. 

"Where's your lanyard?" She asked. 

Jaskier froze, patting his chest, then his pockets, spinning in a frantic circle. "Fuck." 

"Oh, ho, ho how the mighty have fallen." Badger wailed. "Oh my god. Haha. You actually forgot it. Holy shit. It's like I don't even know who you are anymore." She paused. "Who are you and what have you done with my beloved Jaskier?" 

Jaskier didn't respond, flying into a mild panic. 

  
  


He couldn't leave the store until he closed, he couldn't close without his key. 

_ Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.  _

"J...JJ. Jaskier. Breathe. I was just kidding, baby. It's not a big deal." She was holding his shoulders now. "Just call Geralt and have him bring your keys." 

"Bee, no, no, no, ha, no, you don't understand. Geralt won't  _ look _ at me, he won't  _ talk _ to me, he's not going to pick up the phone and he's definitely not going to bring my keys all the way here." 

"Okay. Okay. Calm down, come on you crazy bitch." She grasped his shoulders and gently led him back to the office. "Zigs, you have the front." She called as she closed the door. "Sit." She pointed to the chair, smoothing the ruffles of her dress and picking mindlessly at the crow skull embroidery on the neckline. "Okay. Take a deep breath. What have you eaten today?" 

He froze, head resting in his hands. 

"Does a red bull count?"

"Jaskier. It's fucking 7:00 pm." 

_ Busted _ .

"First of all, when you're less fragile I'm going to give you hell about this because you're always on everyone's ass about eating and staying fucking hydrated. But I am a merciful goddess so I will wait ‘til I'm not worried I'll make you cry." 

He looked at her with a look of disdain. "I'm not going to cry." He muttered through blurry eyes. 

"JJ. You're scaring me. What is going on with you?" 

"I don't...I can't talk about it right now." He fiddled with his labret and Badger worried he was going to pull it through his lip. 

"Okay. Just promise me when you're ready, you'll talk to someone?" 

He nodded. 

"Good. Now, remember that I do this because I love you." She said as she reached forward and snatched his phone from his pocket, unlocking it and typing something. 

"How did you-" 

"Really? It's  _ 'tits' _ . Don't underestimate me, JJ."

"What are you doin-" He said with increasing horror as she listened to the phone ring until it went to a message that the mailbox hadn't been set up. She hung up and dialed again at the first ring a gruff voice answered. 

" _ Hmm _ ." 

He looked at her with dumbfounded horror as she thrust the phone into his hands. 

。。。oOo 。。。

It wasn’t too cold but the wind on the rooftop made it feel so much worse. They had been waiting for so long, and they had longer to wait still. Geralt was tuning out Eskel as he mused thoughtfully to himself and stretched his stiff fingers. He had finally settled into a sort of meditative focus when his phone began to vibrate in his pocket.

He had said no phone calls. Ever. What part of ever hadn't been clear?

He watched the unsaved number scroll on the screen, letting it go to voicemail. Smirking, knowing that he hadn't set up his voicemail. 

But then it rang again. 

“Hey...hey, Geralt. You’re getting a call.” Eskel said, grinning at Geralt, his head resting in his hands as they lay on their bellies in the cold, rough gravel. “Could be important. You should answer it.”

_ Why would he call again? Well, it was Jaskier after all and he was unpredictable, annoying, and above all else stubborn and persistent.  _

It was probably nothing... unless - 

He held up his hand to silence Eskel, who looked far too entertained. 

" _ Hmm _ ." He said, flipping the phone open and answering the call.

It was silent for a moment and Geralt found himself sitting up to rest on his knees. His heart quickening. Then a voice muttered before he heard Jaskier's cheery tone. 

"Geralt!" He called, as nonchalant and carefree as ever. "Geralt, Geralt, Geralt. My dearest roommate and very best friend. Are you at the apartment? Perchance? Mayhaps?"

"What did you do?" Geralt muttered through gritted teeth, intentionally avoiding Eskel’s grin.

"I need your help." It was silent for a moment. "Is there any way you could bring me my work lanyard? You see I can't close up the store without it and I can't leave ‘til I've closed up the store and-"

"Get one of your friends to do it." 

“But Geralt,  _ you’re  _ his friend. He seems fun, I like him,” Eskel whispered with a chuckle. Geralt smacked him.

"Haha. Yeah. I've already checked, Geralt. No one else can. Please. You wouldn't even need to leave immediately. It's not urgent I just need them before 10. Please Geralt, I'm begging you." 

Geralt had been handed damn near the perfect gift-wrapped opportunity to leave Eskel with the stakeout and he had almost passed it up.

He was going for a drive, away from this fucking rooftop and away from Eskel, and all of his infuriating comments and stupid questions and if he had to stop by Jaskier's shitty little store then that was a fair price to pay to get the hell out of dodge. 

"Fine." He hung up before Jaskier could respond. He set a hand on Eskel’s head, ruffling his hair as he stood. “Have fun, Eskel. Let me know if the mark ever shows up.” 

。。。oOo 。。。

“Oh,” Badger texted rapidly before shoving her phone in her dress pocket. “I meant to tell you. Oscar just moved back to town and wanted to know if we were hiring for the holidays. I told him I’d ask you.” 

Jaskier didn’t respond, simply looking up at her with pursed lips as he tossed an empty cardboard box at her. 

“Oh come on J. Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Because I hate you.” Jaskier pouted.

“Yes, darling, we’ve established this.” Badger rolled her eyes, folding the discarded cardboard and shoving it into a box. 

“Well, I feel like it needs to be stated again...I hate you and you are the single worst person in the whole wide world.” Jaskier hoisted another box onto the counter, scooting to the side so Ziggi could slide past to ring up a customer.

“Look, it all worked out, didn’t it? Geralt is bringing your lanyard and I don’t know about you but it sounded to me like he was talking to you just fine on the phone.” Badger sighed, putting her hands on her hips and fixing him with a concerned glance.

“That’s not the point and you know it. I changed my pin, by the way, you dirty little thief.”

She rolled her eyes, snatching the phone from his pocket and typing in a pin. It buzzed and she frowned, tried again, and unlocked it. 

He scoffed in indignation. 

“Really, Jaskier?  _ Cock _ ? You’re so fucking predictable.”

He shot her a look that said she had better stop. That she was getting far too close to hitting a nerve, crossing a line. But Badger was never really good at listening to those warnings. 

“You’ve been in a piss-ass mood all day. I’m sure some of that is because you’re hungry, don’t think I’ve forgotten you haven’t eaten yet. But even then, this isn’t like you. What the fuck is going on? Does this have to do with Valdo coming by the store and-”

"Look, would you just piss off Bee? This has nothing to do with him! Or anyone else for that matter. I love that everyone else is allowed to lose their shit whenever they damn well please but when I do it, it's not okay. Am I not allowed to have a bad day?" Jaskier yelled. Badger held up her hands in a sign of surrender, knowing she had pushed him too far. Jaskier never called her Bee, not unless he was exceptionally livid or distraught and right now he seemed to be both. Clearly, she had struck a nerve. 

“Would you just-” Jaskier slid the safety box cutter through the tape that held the box together, pulling the flap up with a little too much force to break the remaining tape. The other side collapsed and his hand went through the box. 

Suddenly he froze wide-eyed, mouth agape as he lifted his hand from the box, half of the broken tit-shaped shot glass still embedded in his palm. 

“Well…cock.” 

。。。oOo 。。。

Geralt pulled the lanyard from the passenger seat, careful not to catch any of the enamel pins or buttons on anything. It had been easy enough to find. The “key rack” as Jaskier called it was just three bulb-shaped pieces of silicone that had been nailed to the wall, each a different size and shade of blue. It was hard to miss. 

He had taken his time getting to their apartment and then to the Suzy’s. He had needed the drive. Jaskier said he needed to be there by 10:00 pm and it was barely past 8:30 pm right now. After this, he could take his time getting home, really clear his head. 

_ Get in. Drop off the keys. Get out.  _

_ Simple.  _

He opened the door just in time to hear someone shouting. 

“Just stay up there for Christ’s sake!” 

_ Fuck _ . 

He rounded the dropdown display that blocked the view of the front of the store and cautiously took stock of the room.

_ Ziggi was running their hands through their still hideously cut, neon red hair and pacing in front of the register.  _

_ There were boxes stacked neatly along the far wall - shipment, maybe.  _

_ A bag was full of plastic packaging and a box full of folded up, discarded cardboard. _

_ An open box on the back register, paper towels, safety box cutter - the kind that doesn’t cut anything at all, blood.  _

_ Blood.  _

_ The curtain of beads rustling as they swung.  _

_ Jaskier, leaning heavily on Badger as she tried to help him to the office door.  _

Geralt sighed, set the lanyard on the register, and made his way to the beads. 

。。。oOo 。。。

Jaskier was more than a foot taller than Badger and she was struggling to steady him. The glass was still embedded in the heel of his palm, wrapped rather poorly in a wad of paper towels. 

_ One thing at a time.  _

Jaskier was already high strung today, he hadn’t eaten, and he just jammed a rather large and thick piece of glass into his hand. He looked like he was going to pass out. Badger screwed her eyes shut for a moment, trying to figure out what the fuck she was going to do once she actually got him to the chair in the office when she felt his arm slip from her shoulder. 

Badger panicked, reaching out to catch him. 

Now, Geralt carrying Jaskier like a sack of potatoes was probably not the last thing that Badger expected to see when she lost her grip on him. But it was certainly near the top of that very odd list. The strange man held Jaskier as if he didn’t weigh more than a cantaloupe, his face placid and calm, and stupidly handsome.

“Where can I set him?” 

She simply blinked at him, walked to the door, and pushed it open. Geralt took a look around the office and scrunched his nose. He sat Jaskier on the safe across from the one office chair, leaning him against the built-in storage shelves. 

He spun the chair around and sat, unwrapping the paper towels from Jaskier’s hand. Badger stood back, getting the feeling that Geralt was not the kind of guy who liked people behind him, or to the side of him...or near him. 

He held Jaskier’s palm out, inspecting the large shard of glass wedged deep in the meat of his palm. He huffed, growled under his breath, and stood. Turning to Badger he said. 

“Keep an eye on him.” 

And then he was just gone. 

。。。oOo 。。。

“Am I asleep? Because I just dreamt that Geralt came out of fucking nowhere, threw me over his shoulder, and tossed me on the safe.” Jaskier was conscious but he didn’t look like he was going to be much longer. He was pale and he swayed as if he would topple over if someone breathed too hard. 

“That was most definitely not a dream. I can verify that all of that did, in fact, just happen.” 

“Did he bring my keys?” 

Badger had no idea how to respond to that. Jaskier just sat there, cradling his bleeding hand, knees to his chest. He gave her this look that made her think of those dogs in the SPCA commercials. 

“Uh...I don’t know, honey.” 

_ Sorry dude didn’t have time to chat with Geralt. And to be honest, I didn’t check I was sort of focused on the literal medical fucking emergency. _

_ Wrong. Nope. Wrong answer. _

“Oh. Cool.” Jaskier slowly started to dissolve, like a sugar cube in warm water. His head hit his knee and she could tell he was trying his very best to hold it together but he was starting to hyperventilate and he was crying.

_ Shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.  _

“Hey...Bee...” He swallowed thickly. 

“Yeah, honey?” She unfolded her arms, leaning in front of him and trying to get a better look at his face.

“I’m gonna be sick.”

Before Badger could locate the small trash can Geralt had it in his hand and in Jaskier’s lap. 

_ When? When the fuck did he...What? _

Geralt was in the chair again, pulling nitrile gloves on his hands and unzipping a black bag. He started pulling things out, laying them on the table behind him as Jaskier dry-heaved into the trash can. Geralt was fast but his movements weren’t frantic. They were almost soothing. He was a strange sort of calm, the kind that made Badger feel like there was nothing to worry about at all. Which in and of itself felt kind of worrisome. 

After Jaskier appeared to be done emptying his already empty stomach Geralt removed the bin from his lap and scooted forward, cracking open a bottle of water and handing it to him. Jaskier could barely hold it, his hands were shaking so hard. He was breathing way too fast, his heart pounding, the room spinning. He could hear himself talking, rambling, but he had no idea what he was saying.

“Jaskier.” Geralt said, low and soft. “Look at me.” 

Geralt fixed Jaskier with a calm, unreadable expression. Jaskier tried to focus on the face in front of him. Geralt’s unnaturally white hair was pulled back and strands spilled into his young, stern face. Jaskier’s eyes roamed over the scars and the perpetual frown that Geralt wore. He lost himself in Geralt’s eyes. They were quite beautiful, a hazel so light that they almost looked golden. 

“Good. Now just…” Geralt inhaled slowly through his nose, lifting his hand. “Good.” He exhaled, pushing the hand back down. “Keep breathing like that. If you breathe too fast you’re going to get sick again.” 

Jaskier nodded, his breathing starting to slow and the world spinning a little less. Geralt’s head lifted slightly up and tilted slightly down with his slow and steady breathing. It served as a guide for Jaskier.

Badger was standing in front of them, giving Geralt and Jaskier the space they needed. She was trying her best to appear casual but Geralt could see her fingers fretting at the seams of her sleeves, her arms crossed tight over her chest as she chewed on her lip. She hadn’t taken her eyes off of Jaskier’s hand. He was going to need to get her out of the office before he removed the glass, he didn’t need two people passing out.

“Ziggi is out in the front. You may want to tell them that Jaskier is doing just fine and that he’ll be patched up in no time. They seem... rather upset.” Geralt said to Badger, looking up at her from where he sat. 

Badger set a hand on Jaskier’s shoulder and gave it a quick squeeze before she left the office. Stopping for a moment to think of how odd it was. There were people that Badger knew and loved, people she had worked with for years that she didn’t trust the way she trusted Geralt right now. 

Geralt took a closer look at Jaskier’s hand. It wasn’t bleeding much...but it was going to. He made a note of where the edge of the shard slipped under the skin on either side, lifting his eyes to look at Jaskier. 

“I saw two guitars in the living room. You play?” He kept his eyes on Jaskier, situating his fingers around the glass. 

“Um...yeah.” Jaskier swallowed, looking surprised. 

“How long have you been playing?” Geralt wasted no time, gripping the glass and pulling it free.

_ Just like ripping off a bandaid...sort of. _

Jaskier gasped, his shoulders falling as the pain gave way to relief. Geralt dropped the bloody glass on a towel he had laid out, grabbing a small package and ripping it open with his teeth. Jaskier looked down at it with curiosity. 

“This has a hemostatic in it. Will help get the bleeding under control before we sew up the laceration. We just need to hold it here for a few minutes. How long did you say you played guitar?” Geralt continued as he wrapped the gauze tight around Jaskier’s hand and held pressure on the palm. Jaskier looked at him with an expression that he couldn’t read. He cleared his throat and looked away. 

“I’ve played music since I was a child.” Jaskier finally said. “It’s what got me out, kept me sane. I went to school for it back in the day.” His eyes glassy, like he was somewhere else, somewhere less pleasant. 

“Oh yeah? Where did you go?” Geralt asked. It wasn’t like he would know any of the schools anyways. He could only think of a couple of universities he even knew the names of. 

“Juilliard...but...that was a lifetime ago.” 

Geralt raised his eyebrows. Okay, he had actually heard of that one before.

“Juilliard, huh?” Okay, what the fuck was Jaskier doing here if he went to Juilliard? Geralt hesitated for a fraction of a second, but he didn't make a habit of beating around the bush. “What are you doing out here?” 

“Well...I was young and stupid. Still am...and...I made some decisions I wish I hadn’t and...I didn’t make some decisions that I wish I had. So it goes.”

“Hmm.” 

“How about you?” 

Geralt shook his head, laughing at the thought of him playing any sort of musical instrument. 

“Hmm. What do you do?” 

Geralt looked at him with a puzzled expression. 

“Like, in your spare time or for fun. What feeds your soul, Geralt?” 

“I...I meditate and work on my car.” It sounded kinda lame when he said it out loud. 

“Meditation, huh? Maybe you can teach me how.” 

“You have to sit still for that.” Geralt scoffed playfully. 

“I’m sitting still right now.” 

_ Fuck. He had a point.  _

“Alright. I want you to close your eyes and lean your head back.” 

“My eyes are closed already.” 

“Jaskier, are you gonna listen to me or not?” 

“Sorry, sensei.” He smiled, toying at his labret with his teeth while he rested his head back against the wall. 

“Now maintaining that slow breathing from before, I want you to focus only on the sensations you feel in your feet.” 

Jaskier made an odd face but kept his mouth shut as Geralt slowly unwrapped the gauze pad and prepared to stitch Jaskier’s hand back together.

"Every sensation from your toes to the arches of your feet to your heels…"

。。。oOo 。。。

The last customers were gone, Ziggi had left, and Badger had just balanced the registers and finished the closing paperwork. When she went into the office, Jaskier was still sitting on the safe, but he was now curled up in the nook between the wall and the shelves, fast asleep, Geralt’s jacket draped over him. Geralt was cleaning up his supplies. 

“Store is ready to lock up and...Jaskier is asleep? Holy shit.” She sounded genuinely surprised by this. 

“Hmm?” Geralt looked at her for a moment, trying to read the intention behind the statement as he zipped up the bag and scooped the rest of the trash into the trash can. 

“Well, fuck.” Badger laughed.

“I left his keys on the register when I came in.” 

“Yeah I saw, I’m not worried about that, I just don’t know what to do with him.” She gestured to Jaskier. 

Geralt didn’t see what the problem was. Wake him up and send him home? What was so difficult or perplexing about that?

Badger seemed to understand what was happening and looked at him with a condescending look of adoration. “He hasn’t slept in three days, Geralt and he’s been through a lot recently, what with Valdo showing up here and everything.”

It was Badger’s turn to look surprised. “He hasn’t told you about Valdo? Of course, he hasn’t. Look, it’s really not my place to say. If he wants to tell you about it, he will. But Geralt, when I say that Jaskier hasn’t slept in three days I mean three  _ literal  _ days without sleep. I'm sorry, but how did you not know this? You live with him.”

Her words stung more than Geralt wanted it to, more than he thought it should. He genuinely hadn’t noticed. He had...sort of been avoiding his roommate. 

“So yeah, I kinda don’t wanna move him but I can’t stay. I have stuff I gotta do. I didn’t drive here either, I live with my aunt in the apartments behind the theater.” 

Geralt thought for a moment, standing and tucking the medical kit under his arm. “Where is his car?” 

Badger looked at him like he was stupid. “It broke down a week ago. The fucking engine fell out while he was driving. He had it towed to a pick-n-pull and only got like $80 bucks for it. So he’s been taking the TRAX line up here, it takes like an hour and a half total to make it from the station by your apartment but they’re closed this late. I honestly don’t know how he was gonna get home tonight.” 

Geralt stood there for a moment looking at the man he very reluctantly accepted to room with, realizing he didn’t know him at all. Finally, he ran his hands over his face and turned to Badger.

“Don’t forget to grab his keys, I’m not driving back here to get them. Get the door for me?” And with that, he scooped up Jaskier and carried him out of the office.

。。。oOo 。。。

Geralt drove in silence, one hand on the wheel and the other found itself resting atop Jaskier’s head, elbow on the back of the seat. This was not how he had planned on spending his evening, but if nothing else Geralt was...adaptable. 

Jaskier looked so peaceful, snoring quietly and curled up in the passenger seat of Geralt’s car. The streetlights along the freeway painted strips of light across his face in a steady rhythm.

Roach was his baby. An almost brand fucking new Dodge Charger. She was a salvage title. Some rich prick had bought for his kid and the kid had driven it into a river, not a day later. No one had ever sat in the passenger seat of his car before. Strangely enough, he didn’t mind. He tried not to think about that too much, or about the uncomfortable feeling in his gut. It was heavy and cold like a stone. 

Jaskier had ‘been through a lot recently’ as Badger had put it and Geralt had remained blissfully unaware. Come to think of it, other than the lights he left on and the cupboards he left open, and the occasional sound of him singing or humming or cursing to himself Geralt hadn’t really been aware of his roommate at all. He hadn’t noticed Jaskier losing his car and walking to the TRAX station for the past week. He hadn’t noticed the sleeplessness that had plagued him for three days now. And he had no idea who the fuck this Valdo character was. 

All of that was for the best though. That was how it had always been. That was how it should be, shouldn’t it? Geralt didn’t get involved. He was just here temporarily. Soon he would be out of Jaskier’s apartment and out of his life for good. It would be like he had never been there in the first place. He told himself that that was definitely for the best, both for himself and Jaskier. Best not to involve him in more unnecessary suffering. Besides, if Jaskier knew who he really was...the things he was capable of, the things he had done…?

It was better this way.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> First and foremost, thank you for the comments. They quite literally sustain my pathetic, insomniac life force and make it possible for me to create this dumpster fire we all know and love. If you thought you'd seen the last of me you were horribly mistaken. 
> 
> Shamelessly indulgent, this work IS in fact, based both on true stories and absolutely made-up rubbish. This is an S-Tier Crack AU and you should expect nothing less than total ridiculousness. If you're here for a serious fic I'm afraid you've come to the wrong place. If you're here to laugh, cry, laugh from crying, possibly cry from laughing....you've come to the right place, my guy.
> 
> Thanks to the phenomenal Jadelyn for being my moral support, my official summarizer, and my sounding board for all of my absolutely insane ideas.


End file.
